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ArcherOfTheAsylum

Archer's Asylum

I'm a big bloke (7ft tall) and I am forever reading. This will mostly be my thoughts as I am reading and possibly a review or two. You may know me as Archer.

 

I am basically a lurker. My life revolves around my wife, my cats, Books, and entertainment.

 

I'm working on building and setting up a forge and I'm generally one of those people who can be found causing or in the middle of mischief somewhere...

A very personal post (that may seem like a rant)

In October of last year, I decided to seek help. 

 

I suffer with pretty severe depression and I had reached the end of my rope. I was not handling it well. I was having anxiety attack, I was crying for no reason and most of all I felt an all pervading numbness. I got pleasure from nothing. It was bleak. 

 

Now, I started on 40mg Citalopram per day and within a few weeks an improvement could be seen. I was playing guitar again, I was coming up with poems and stories and I was engaged in things I had been disinterested in for years. 

 

Then in january/february that changed. I refilled my prescription at a different pharmacy. They gave me what was meant to be the same drug. The box said it shouldve been, but I started to back slide.

 

I became more despondent. I stopped reading, writing, playing guitar. I hid away in my nest more and more. I wanted to do less and less. I was anxious again. I was crying again. I was hurting deep inside my soul and I had no idea why. I had thought maybe I was just beyond help. I contemplated a lot of things. Things I am not proud of and things my wife would kill me for contemplating. 

 

I went into a pharmacist by my work today and got my usual brand when I refilled my script again and they asked me if I was OK. I told them what had been happening and showed me a box of pills. They were the ones I had been taking for a month. I found out that the formulation of them is garbage and that they usually do more harm than good. I felt so relieved, this means in a few weeks I should be better again when my body re-acclimates to the regular pills. 

 

My problem is now though, I know this is probably human error, and that I should've insisted on the ones I usually had, but what if I had done something? The pharmacist would technically be to blame and that kills me. It's not their fault because who could've known I'd react so adversely to that formulation? 

 

So now I have this problem that I am anxious about how things will be for the next few weeks. I am tired of feeling like this. This isn't me. I want to be the man my wife fell in love with, not this wreck. 

 

And Lissa, if you see this, I love you, with all my heart. I know it hasn't been easy for you. I am so, so sorry. I want to be better for you. You're my whole world, my life. I cannot wait to hold you tonight.